more reflections

while the previous reflections were done during the retreat closing reflection period,
sometime striked me just minutes after the retreat... jus minutes yeah...

i had relatively good sittings by the third evening n fourth day morning,
much of the everyday anxieties were not troubling mi,
hence i left the retreat with a feeling of "lightness n ease"
but as soon as i switched on the hp... the world changed completely =p

something happened at work that had reprecussions all the way to top management
i was partially at fault for the mess that my ship got into,
failing to ensure XXXXXXXXXXXXX

anyway my mood turned dark like a thunderstorm that dropped out of nowhere
gone were the lightness n ease haha
immediately!!
there was a trememdous sense of dread...

but i must say thankfully at right time =)
during this time when the practice energy is relatively strong,
i could use the energy of mindfulness n cuddle the negative energy
like a mother showing tender care for the baby
cutting thru the dreadful thinking after it churned for couple minutes...
i was left with sharp n wrenching pain in my heart (literally)
no wonder i find myself falling sick often recently n in general poor health,
i have identified strongly with my work n take everything very seriously
with strong personal identification n much has accumulated...
many things went wrong at work in recent mths n its killing mi literally keke =p

returning to my breath,
breathing in breathing out...
paying attention to the pain in my heart...
showering mindfulness to it like mother to her child...
slowly the pain ease...
but i am sure it will come back again, mmm probably tmr haha
i hope i am ready =)

reflection on the above:

1. i realised that its realli realli impt for everyday practice n sangha practice to sustain practice energy, without sufficient mindfulness energy, i am jus no way able to walk out of the messiness without falling prey to the negativity and succumbing to my habit energies - coming to 2nd point

2. once i get suck into the vortex of dread and negative energy, i will act in unkind ways and bring more negative energy to pple ard mi =(
i still rem reacting out to my men after being sucked into this kind of vortex of negative energy after one recent episode...
muz quickly activate the "mindfulness mother to cuddle the negative baby" before the baby creates havoc =p
i hav just told this to one of my close fren at work n told him to remind me if he see me sucked into such vortexes haha
i pray for pple ard mi their well being, peace n happiness
may all beings be well n happy,
may the world experience peace n harmony
it all begins rite here,
within our heart and mind,
when we decide to unleash our negativity out to others or do we take good care of our negativity n return to clear mind n bring positive energy to this world?